


Happenstance

by varooooom



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 10:09:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1854175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/varooooom/pseuds/varooooom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve's friends are Earth's Mightiest Jerks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happenstance

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% ridiculous and entirely [remuke](http://archiveofourown.org/users/remuke)'s fault. We aren't allowed to have nice things.

"There's no way it could've gone viral, man, the only people that follow me are -"

"Every single one of our friends, Sam," Steve almost but doesn't really shout, because shouting at Sam is one of the hardest things in the world and this is only mostly his fault. Mostly.

At least Sam has the decency to pretend he doesn't find this absolutely hilarious, and he keeps in stride with Steve as he storms his way through the Tower to the common room. "All right, yeah, but who would really be enough of an ass to put it up on -"

"Tony Stark, former CEO of Stark Industries, better known for his superhero alter-ego _Iron Man_ , posted a Vine on Twitter today that has been gaining a lot of attention from all across the globe," a news anchor proclaims _way_ too gleefully, interrupting and answering Sam for the second time in the course of this conversation. The two soldiers stop dead in their tracks, staring at the wall-length TV as the anchor goes on to detail the millions of retweets, Facebook posts, and ' _jiffs_ ' that have followed in the hours since Tony's post.

The man himself walks up to greet them with flutes of champagne that every Avenger sitting around the room has taken up for the occasion. Bruce ducks his head guiltily, barely hiding a smile, but everyone else either turns to unabashedly lift their glasses in toast or is otherwise too busy with their eyes glued to the screen, soaking up every word.

Steve hates all of his friends. All of them.

Except for maybe Clint, if only because the man swoops by to snatch up his glass and down it in one when Steve refuses to take it out of Tony's hand.

"What the Hell, Stark," he intones, folding his arms across his chest. The gesture usually makes Tony more indignant than anything else, but he's too damn pleased with his own misdeeds for his shit-eating grin to falter even a fraction.

"Don't sulk. It's really unflattering, really, showcases all of your age lines." Steve doesn't rise to the jab and Tony goes all loose and animated, waving his hands inelegantly the way he always does when he's trying to goad someone into another of his antics. "Come _on_ , Cap, it's - you should be celebrating with the rest of us. You're a worldwide phenomenon!"

"And we weren't already? This isn't the kind of publicity we need -"

"'We, we,'" Tony mocks, turning away to take his glass back from a begrudgingly amused Pepper. "That's yes in French, by the way, as in ' _yes, yes_ ,' Gramps, we get that you want everyone fooled into thinking you're all straight-laced and respectable. Real, uh," he takes a drink and makes a face; he doesn't even like champagne, it's just another way to mess with Steve, "real upstanding guy, our Captain. Unflappable. Dignified."

"Tony, I _swear_ -"

"Shut it, they're about to play the video!" Bucky shouts from where he's sitting on a coffee table, propped up against the wall with a bottle of Tony's best bourbon in hand and a dozen empty champagne flutes-turned-caltrops set up around him.

Steve turns to glare at Sam for everything wrong in his life, but he's already gone off and nested with Nat and Clint in the couch cushions, showing them more video footage on his phone as the TV starts broadcasting the only six seconds that really matter.

"- ell you last time?" Steve chides through the speakers. His face is partially obscured by the angle of the video, obviously shot from a phone by the poor quality and the fact that it keeps shaking as Sam tried not to laugh over his ranting. The wall is covered in a mess of bandaids, stickers, and reinforcement labels, all mixed together to create multiple sloppy [collages](http://i.imgur.com/728GirQ.jpg) that Steve is struggling to scrape off. "The dickbutt isn't welcome in this house. The dickbut is _not_ our friend, it's - oh, _come on_ -"

He snaps his hand away, and Sam bursts out laughing when he and everyone watching the video can make out where half of the Hello Kitty bandaids and colorful little circles have wound up all over his arms to compliment the ' _dickbutt_ ' that was carefully laid out on his t-shirt before he woke up.

" _Dammit_ , Sam! I told you it was going to steal my soul, this is _not_ okay -"

Half of the room erupts into laughter while Thor asks a flustered Jane to explain the dickbutt, Bucky and Tony make catcalls, and Sam shrugs unapologetically at Steve as he solemnly swears he's leaving the country the next time these assholes get drunk.


End file.
